At a lost and a BIG STAND STiLL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i needed to get that our* when is it pass naive and just plain DUMB, you know how like you watch maury and you see the same guest appear on the show because their man is cheating on them and they gave him another chance the previous show, and how we always sit there like OMGOSH you are so dumb BITCH LEAVE him ALONE! he did it more than once and hes not gonna stop cause he sees that youre gonna BItch but in the end youre gonn..(hold up adara is calling me)okay im back lol where was i... yeah i just realized that you can never give someone some real advice about a situation unless you have gone through it yourself! ya know. but today started off good because i spoke to Johnathan and im glad at the outcome of his situation and we had our words exchanged good and bad! but i think it was also a venting session for both of us as well. and then it just went DOWNHILL about 20 minutes ago and it threw me off, i mean this morning speaking to him threw me off too but i handled it. you know the only way i get thrown off is if my feelings get all swept up and i get emotional and excited and happy and i start thinking about my wedding day with this kid and our nice ass house that were gonna have in (jersey) or (delaware) lol... But everytime i find out some shit like tonight ,his baby momma posted that theres wedding bells and shes gonna be sending invitations out soon.. my heart dropped! like ive dealt with finding out that hes talking to more than one female or that he talked to one of my friends or him cursing me out on an answering machine or him having a child with his ex who he loves and cares about bt WEDDING BELLS! its like damn i thought i had that in the bag...that was one thing i never had to compete with any other female no matter what our issues were i was the one he wanted to marry and he was the one i wanted to marry and to even think that hes gonna tie the knot with someone is CRAZY...but i mean i have to be realistic, they have a baby together, who is absolutely GORGEOUS, and they live together i mean they practically are... Ugh im telling you ive never loved so hard and this is the honest truth. and its painful but im hoping that we do end up together n the end and that i really do have his heart because he does have mine. And you kno what if thats what he wanted , to be with jenna and marry her and spend the rest of his life wit her then i would have to respect it, im not gonna like it but because i have so much love for this kid id respect it!IDK this is crazy i just wanna go a month without hearing BULLISH or even second guessing what are we doing and whats our purpose with eachother! I know through out all these damn blogs i sound extremely confused lol!but hey its life nothing is smooth... and theres a line in the song LIons Tigers and BEars where she says just cause i love you and you love me it doesnt mean that were meant to be... DAmn if i ever heard those words from him my world would come to a stand still for a second.! and i love this kid to freaking PIECES! yeah it probably sounds like im making the ONLY excuses for him but ive done my fair of BS but honestly dont think ive ever hurt him how hes hurt me. i dont want to become the girl that becomes numb to all emotions and feelings. Im still emotional and cry at the drop of a dime( i cried watching the movie TWILIGHT).. Love is not an impossible task though, i mean its plenty work but damn i know this kid im not trying to start out and try and know another dude because guys now are really relentless and WORSE! at least with johnathan i know all his shii. its crazy cuz when i first met him i would of never thought id be here writing a blog about me being MADLY IN LOVE with him lol. DAMN MAN! wow and wats crazy is that he said i love you first and i was real hesitant and damn look at me?We got into an argument tonight because i asked him about him being with jenna and of course he said no hes not and that he wants to marry andall this stuff but he was MAD! like i was semi scared on the phone...he sounded so different on the phone like a completely different person and he said that if i ever bring up some ish from another person that hes not gonna talk to me EVER! damn i wonder if he would really do that... cause as much shit ive talked about being done and just being his friend...well its apparent that aint happen..FUCK i wish i could talk to KOURTNEY man this SXCKS major!i was on a high and now im just thinking. i definitely think too much as ADARA says but its hard not to because there are so many what ifs and so many things that dont make sense to me ya know. i wonder if im being stubborn and if hes really playing me out something CRAZY!honestly if it came to the light i think id be numb and just be like DAMN GIRL YOU GOT GOT! ahh i just want normality in my relationships man. I mean he and i arent even dating...im so confused idk what it is theres no label on us we just are its like this at the end of the day no matter how much i think hes self centered and he doesnt care about anyone but himself and if i left him it would not phase him much i do wnna marry this dude! damn im just all FXCKED up in the Rasberry ICETea!im such a sucker for love . i accept him for who he is i just dont know man ...theres not enough times that i can say 'IDK' thing is that im ridiculously smart like extremely! but when it comes to this kid i cant let go! likeif RAy J came up to me and started acting crazy id be like PEACE! but its something about him. I feel like i gtta do extra just to keep him attentive i wonder if he even has interest or if im just something of a convenience for him. Like im not gonna lie he tells me things to reassure his feelings for me but i mean then something alwaysalways comes up and im back to QUESTIONING everything. I just think we would b a bomb ass couple and especially im still coming into my own and becoming more comfortable and confident everyday and hes already there. were from two different walks of lifes but then again were not because we share something that puts all of the differences aside to dust and thats LOVE...

i completed ADARAs Class

so yeah adara told me that im officially a GEE! lol that means a lot man. it took a lot to get to this point girl lol.

A lot of late night trainings and stuff but i made it and im going to pass on what i learned to the

next Punk! nahh mean lmao

But anyway thats all i had to say like adara said just dont get hit with the

O because...well you know what that means! NEXT or(WHO CARES!!) lol

They dont make em like us anymore im telling you!

{ILoveMYFaG}

Adara and I GO INNNNNN

LOL so yeah me and adara have gotten 10 times closer and im super glad that we are friends! friends since middle school and were still going STRONG YES maam! but anyway a lot has happened this past week! My brother/best male friend Kourtney got arrested i miss him! but i know hes OKAY and things are gonna get straight! yah MAn.. SO tomm is One of BFFZ bday Ms. BRANDY BLOUNT! the big 19 lol... its crazi and summer is right around the corner...well kind of, im excited IM BREATHING AND FXCKING EXHALING.and another good news is tht Mr. Gilmore is a free manYAY* thats my nigga lol(nah he knows what it is) but anyway things are honky DORY! uhm..... lately adara and i have been going in especially wth the dudes..like gettin at them because we are SOOOOO tired of gettin played and guys treatin us like ISH! so i have a couple of new words at to my VOCAb especially {OH} lmao thatz from adara..thats the worse thing you can say to someone lmao besides sayin WHO CARES! lmao but yeah weare no longer called KSOBB we are The BAddest Couturettes* Dont ask it just is! Um i fell in love with PINTA lmao thts my DOMINICAN MAMI! oww lol she cooks th best CARNE and RICE i learned a few things from her! uhm i got a stalker on myspace lol he went in!! but i got him back cause he was soo disrespectful i pu him in his place... uhm David he still a psycho he got mad because i called him a psychoBOB because he called me at 6 in the morning and i was like WOAH! hold up....Adara just called me and she said that she went innn on some nigga lmao! i swear DUDEZ arent ready this year! watch out and brandy and ashley been on that shii! lmao nah we arent bitter we just got a little SMARTER...lmao OMGOSH! i love my girls soo mchim tellin youd never find a batch of girls like us* but yeah anyway were not hurting anyones feelings were not using anyone we are just being real andletting them know what it is and how its going down for a change im sorry but its time we have a say and stop getting sucker playe like HIGH TOP FADES(JAY) lmao.. but anyway yah man everything would be EXTRA perfect if KOURTNY WAS OUT to enjoy and watch us and coach us ... oh yeah me kourtney and adara came up with a group of certain types of dudes! lol its called ' AINT SHIT NIGGAs' aka a.s.n so yeah kourtney classified himself as one toolmao so i mean at least hes honest and he knows wat it is lmao Oh Em Gee. and another thing i was always afraid to say certain things to 'a certain person' but after me and adara got in on our 'GOIN IN' flow im just kinda like WHO CARES i rather speak my mind and let me breathe instead of being bothered ya know.. well thats about it. Life is BUEno no Complaints I love My friends especially y 'HONEY COMBS CREATURE' LMFAO ADARA=) omgosh what would life be without LAughs?

Im not scared Of Lions Tigers and Bears(ex factor)

So yeah its been a while since i wrote here.. and i mean not much has happened but then again.. idk its weird i feel like a totally new person all refreshed and stuff. Im super happy and im excited about life, like its crazy and theres always so many new experiences in life... and the world is so small man, this guy hit me up on myspace and hes like really cute he looks like RAY J and im like in love with RAY J and we were vibing and stuff i was like how weird... but of course its too good to be true, hes one of my friends friends ex man.. but an ex like me and my ex,johnathan.. (but thats neither here nor there) and i guess they are suppose to be working things out... exclusively not with another person and this boy is like really tlaking to me like crazy! hard and im just having fun with it but i know i gotta report it to the friend so she can pass it on to the other friend because i so know what its like to think that its just you and him and its really you him and "shaniqua",'boniqua",'jena','lisa' and all them other females you know, and i think if a women knows that the man is involved with another female whether they are having problems or not, she should automatically step back! for real tho lol. But anyway me and my brother Kourtney are just sitting here 'locking' in on him and i just came to the conclusion that i went on myspace and found a cute guy and he seemed cool adn he is just like my ex..! LMAO thats crazi of all the people i could of ran into on myspace... i run into a liein ass nigga... damn they everywhere.. im done with trying to give someone my all lol im just having fun now.. im gonna take brandys advice and think like a nigga so i wont get played like a bitch and ill also have lots of laughs along the way. No but im also talkin to this guy'TAZ' and wat a coincidence he has the same bday as my ex lmao... no but ive been chit chattin with him since september and hes super cool and cute.. he has a daughter though but i mean we are just friends great and hes freaking hilarious. and then a lil something from the past popped up my old..ex RYAN lol hes still crazy but i mean damn he got a baby too.. so i mean i just came to the conclusion that i attract niggas who got babies and who cant spell and they not to bright LMAO! but its all good thats just my calling that im suppose to teach! and help the world.. i need help myself tho but im just having fun tho cuz life is too short to get mad and stuck over niggas who cant read and write and they aint about SHIIIT.. right now im sitting here with my homegirl ADARA and my bro KOURTNEY... yo but i am so happy right now like words cant even explain.. like i just always thought that it was going to be me and JOhnathan at the end happy and stuff but i mean your mind can really drift you to wonderland and im not mad... at all it was crazy though ya know but i know that being single and not knowing who you are going to marry is not that bad.. thats just all apart of this big journey that im on... and mr. right is gonna come alone and be everything that i need and want.. i wont have to ask for anything because he and i will just connect until then im 19 and im having fun... i have so much life and i so dont need to be wasting tears on a man that doesnt give two shits about me.. and running into all these boys and ex's this past week just opened that door for me.. like im not ugly and im pretty im smart i have a lot of personality sometimes a little too much... i mean i cant cook but i damn sure know how to read instructions and order food ya know, im definately a well rounded girl and the next person that i get into a relationship is gonna be lucky and im gonna feel the same way too lol like im not trying to sound cocky or anything but i mean us girls dont give ourselves enough credit and after a bad relationship we feel destroyed and like we have nothing else to give but that is so not the case at all...if anything we gained so much more... like i have crazy ass stories to tell and i have great memories and i also have some that was just like damn girl how stupid were you.. but hey im not a rocket science and i dont plan on being one... i never want to know all the answers i rather figure life out for me and thats it... but after this long overdue dragged out situation im definitely not scared of LIONS TIGERS AND BEARS! at all...