Alice in wonderland

Ive been real open like a book. Hmmm... on so many levels. i dont second guess it or things, i just DO or just GO. yeah every action has a reaction. Ive been trying to overcome this thing where ill get embarrassed after i put all my cards on the table thinking its a winning hand and it turns out to be a LOSS. Both friendships and intimate relationships. its the facts of life. I dont expect to get it overnight but i dont expect to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again with the same people. its just completely stupid. for lack of better words.

I wanna ramble about a couple of diff things. Im either too forward or not forward enough. Then if im stuck in between ill nine times out of ten attempt to over compensate.. Stepping out of character and doing more than i normally do. And uhm...its exhausting when you realize all ur efforts are just going un-noticed. Its hard to open up to the opposite sex about yourself when you havent even really faced your issues, but you cover them and leave your past in your past. And in your mind you picture the guy of your dreams or just a guy your crushing on at the moment to be able to look at you or even hear in your voice that you have a story to tell and they are willing to listen. even if they have no type of feedback, you'd be a great listener.

You can say i live in fantasy land when it comes to the perfect man. but thats the thing, i dont want a perfect guy at all i want it all except perfection. I cant say i know exactly what i want but i know what i dont want. its def still the very beginning =)

And its been a while...

So its been forever and a day since ive written something on here. and theres plenty to say but its at least a year worth and im not going to go thru every single incident in my life. but id like to focus on the important ones that changed my life .
LOVE.. it exist in my life.. i have love for many people but romantically theres nothing there. i have taken many losses this year but in the end i won and gained a better understanding of myself and what i want in life. I learned how to be free and know that its more then okay to express myself sexually without being a 'hoe' or looked at all types of crazy. lol. From arguments to love making and all the other in between im content. One thing that ive learned in the past year when it comes to love/relationships i cant always have my way i have to learn how to take a loss. which is very hard for me..im not into losing . ill push and push until ive literally pushed that person away or there is nothing else left to push. and im back at square 1. now im not sitting here saying that all of these losses were because of me..im just taking ownership in what i took part in lol. i have dated some 'UNIQUE' characters this year and i have learned from each one from the ... double life dude, to the bi-polar guy who likes sucking toes, to the one person in day another at night, to the i just wanna cone over and get nasty, to the blatant liars.. and then the one that i felt had potential but we got deterred along the way which is absolutely fine because hes a great friend to this day. but all those characters have just eliminated a bunch of ish for my further ventures lol! i walked away with a bunch of crazy stories like seriously some things i feel would just only happen to me! but yeah thats pretty much a minor look on this past year with the 'BOYS' =)
Ill have plenty to say as long as i keep running into the weirdos