Andrew Maximillian Davis r.i.p.

"In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number. The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist." by Walter Dudley Cavert Remember Now © 1944, 1971

caught up in the black mans trivial games**ANIKOLE

ok so first i wanna say ive never felt so betrayed before in my life.. like my feelings are hurt slightly but im more angry then anything and im not an angry person.. i really shoulda have listened to my friends on this note because im ANGRY! uhhhh to the extent.. But im glad i found out now.. lol i really believed everything that came out of his mouth... i dont trust him i dont have resoect for him or anything... i look at this as a learned lesson. His girlfriend is respectable and i give her a bunch of kudos for being respectable and all that stuff and not resorting to an ignorant "Bitch". Well ive been venting ever since i spoke to Jenna and what not. Of course im just looking at the positives in this situation. i know that i will be fine because im a great person and i have a lot to offer as a person whether it be in a friendship or relationship, i just know that i will never give myself to a man the way i did to johnathan.. and its not even like it was that easy... it was emotional and stuff for the first 3 years.. then the physicals came into play, and im not attached its not that serious ya know. you live and you learn...
UHhh I just cried my eyes out..but now that i got it out of my system im bueno DINERO!

the only thing open at 3 am is Walmart and Legs

okay so uhm... about a year ago my homegirl Romina told me to go to her page and look at a video.. and its called "The truth about Men"...now im not saying this applies to all men and he even states this in the video but i mean damn i already told my girls to watch it and the first response i got was from ADARA.. and it was "OMG" so im just passing on something that ive been enlightened on now im just saying there was a couple of things in there where i found myself saying "lmao wow ive heard that damn" so i mean if you ladies dont agree with everything its at least one thing that you can put yourself in those shoes.. and uhm this postin is by a MALE.. so i mean...
youtube it its called the The truth about men and its by jay Brigham.. or you can go on my myspace and watch the video..i just feel obligated as a woman to let my fellow women know whats up..but i advise the version on my myspace page because its the full 15 minutes..you tube only gives you 8 minutes of it.. better yet ill give you his myspace because he has more videos up there... its myspace.com/youngtruck.. so ladies remember its not ALL MEN... MAJority though...

half assing....not 2 stepping..

So last night I spoke to my nieces Jada and Kamani my little monsters, I'm gonna spend the weekend with them and I'm excited I miss them. But that's not the point of this blog. I spoke to my sis Ciana and we were just catching up on things and her man was there in the background and I guess they're going thru their own little issues and what not but before she hung up the phone cause her and her man were arguin she left me with some words that makes you think...now you can take it either way but it damn sure had my brain going...if a man is going to half ass everythng and give you half assness then he deserves a half ass female...but this where the dilemma comes...what type of woman are you? Are you one to lower yourself to halfness or are you gonna leave the half man for a full complete one? There's mistakes in life and then there's choices...idk man I'm just taking one day at a time because you just never know...never
On a diff note I miss my brandy anikole and adara! And some others but the main ones ya know. Uhm that's pretty much it I don't have much to say...I'm still head over heels for my Jay, I like em love em...I'm not even gonna try to explain... nor understand

Reality check...

...So tomm is the inaguaration for our new president! Barack Obama. and im really excited and glad that i got to see this event happen in my lifetime.. like im definately apart of history and all ya know. But yeah ever since my last blog ive been speaking to him and we had a major falling out on saturday night, and i think hes really done with 'us' and even though ive been saying that would be the right thing for me it sure as hell doesnt feel like it at all.. Like that night i was an emotional rollercoaster like i called his phone at least 70 times and i left 4 messages and im sure he thinks im crazy. But no thats not the case at all, im in love and was fighting for it. IDK what to do im kinda at a lost on where he stands in this situation. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and be happy, he does make me happy because right now im feeling it. i mean i know people say if its meant to be then it will be, but i think i kinda forced for this to come about. one thing that i have realized is not to let everyone in your business ya know because i have to learn how to have my own opinion and deal with things by myself because my mom isnt always going to be here nor are my friends, we all are going to go off and have our own lives if we havent now already. i made some mistakes in this relationship i had with him, i told him too much and i also gossiped about things i didnt like or agree with to my friends and whoever would listen lol. BIG MISTAKE!!! really because at the end of the day yeah i do have my own opinion but i also have an intake on others as well, but in all reality its just me and him in it no one else. I just feel like i messed up this time and i dont know if i can save face this time... like its really over or something, i love to hope for the best and prepare for the worse thats just how life is. its real. and i must say that i have definately learned something from this and ill def take it into the next relationship i have or if he and i get back together or if he decides to speak to me then ill know next time how to have a better INTIMATE relationship. I love this man so much. UGH i just needed to vent this out because im def not gonna be sitting here crying and being blah... ima do me just like hes probably out doing him, now that doesnt mean that ima go talk to a bunch of dudes and become a lil hot tamale.. but ima just go to school work and focus on me and just find happiness within myself and not look for anyone else to do that for me. Because at the end of the day its just me...But one thing about me is that im a persistant female and im not going to just let 5 in a half years almost six in a few months go down the drain over some nagging and bitching. I love him and he is the one that i want. not only that i miss my friend! and im not giving up on that i definately wanna be there for him during his time in prison and just be there to talk to him and pray with him about stuff, ya know we did meet at church lol.! i mean idk.. im pretty content at the moment im trying to stay busy and focused so i dont notice the seconds minutes nor hours that are passing me by as i impatiently wait to hear for him... but ugh its gonna surpass eventually it always does doesnt it? well this has def been a reality check and i pray that its not late...

biggest decision of '09

Hey so its currently 2 09 pm Jan 15th and I'm sitting in my ex boyfriends apartment alone..no ex ..no1. The decision I made today I think was pretty difficult but I know its gonna make me happier and its going to be the best thing for me...no one else but me. And that's where the problem lied, I was always concerned about how he would be affected by certain decisions that I made and how would it work out for him and his daughter to come. I never once thought about Kiera and what was right for her. I love him and I'm always going to love him but love should not rule everything, that doesn't give an excuse to be heart emotionally and spiritually. I now realize that love doesn't overcome everything , well in this situation it definately doesn't. I gave him my all, my trust my love and my body and spirit. I wanted to be with him forever and I had that lil fantasy of a beautiful home with green grass and the welcome doormat in front of the door... but that vision has definately deteriorated. I'm not giving up on love because I'm a great person and I deserve to be loved to the utmost extent and I deserve to share my love with someone who is going to appreciate it as well. But letting go can be the toughest thing especially in love that's why we tend to make up excuses for certain situations or actions to pro long the long over due."I'm leaving you cause I love me too damn much to sit here thru this" speech. And today I kinda did that...no scratch that I did. It just hit me as a light bulb that I'm sitting here at my ex boyfriends house and he's getting dressed and getting ready to go back to his baby mothers house and be a family or just be there for his daughter period... and live there. And he and I are not an item,I am not his girlfriend,fiance, nor wife and he is not my boyfriend,fiance, nor husband. And I'm sitting here 'in love' with an idea... simply an idea. Because in my heart I felt like I was the only one and I was the one and we were gonna be together...but my common sense kicked in and said' hey kiera you've been ignoring me for a while but uhm....RUN AWAY'....but anyway point being of why I called it quits is that he and I got into an argument and he walked away from me and I ran after him and stopped him crying and screaming all distraught and he left...without saying Bye, or even an I lov you...and to me I'm so stuck on never leave the one you love on an angry not or don't go to bed mad cause its just not good. But that just showed me today the lack of love and respect he has for me...which I should have realized a long time ago. But I'm going to be fine, ill always love him and have a certain soft spot for 'us' but never c give my heart to him like I did. I was in over my head...

computer Love

So yeah im sitting here watching American Idol and they are starting in AZ im missing Az a little bit...kind of contimplating whether or not i should go back. I had a long conversation with one of my girls yesterday and she made me the best playlist of all time.. im on song no.1 called "Computer Love" and thats a lil inside that we got going on. But yeah i gotta side track for a second because yesterday was the season finale of "Real Chance of Love" and this NEGROID chance aint pick no girl.. damn they shoulda known cause his name is CHANCE so this means hes a CHANCING ass NEGRO. but anyway i digress. i have a lot on my mind.. The love of my life is going to jail on the 25th of Feb and i dont know how to handle that...so many emotions are running thru my mind... and his baby momma is about due any day now so one of his seeds will be running around this earth, YAY no but im really excited cause i love kids they are so sweet and innocent.... my emotions are high in the air. but anyway he really wants me to stay here so i can visit him while hes doing his bid.. and im going to be there for him but you see the thing is that i dont want to wait while hes doing his bid and when he gets out he decides he wants to be a free man or even better wanna get back with his baby momma... i mean cause if thats the case i rather him tell me this now so i can be like PEACE nigga! but hes telling me that he loves me and that im the one and that we are in this together so im going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I do love him. Aww and he got me the other day when we were texting eachother and he said that when i was away in AZ there was a song that made him think about me everytime he listened to it and its called "Come back to me shawty" by tyrese i listened to it and i was like aww so sweet (im on song no.2 when a womens fed up r.kelly)...but in my opinion his flirting ways go a little too damn far i just asked him if he were talking to any females and he said that he was just flirting with random girls in every situation so yeah the answer and solution on what i should do should be quite simple right? and the kicker is im talking to him right now soo but yeah idk my emotions is gettin the best of me for real tho.. well im gonna leave on that note and let him dig hiself deeper in a hole....

The game

So yeah this is my first blog.. i was missing for a while but im back in the mix... i must admit i was trapped in this niggas house for days! theres footage on myspace... well dependin on what day it is and what time it is i may have taken it down cuz he and i got into an argument ...but thats nothin that on an average day... who knew men would be so difficult.. okay lemme break down the story ima sum it up.. me and JOhnathan have been dealin with eachother for 5 years goin on 6 in may and he stuck thru my lesbian phase and everything and now im stickin it thru with his new babymama and i love him. i really do but sometimes i cant deal with the drama. like is it asking for too much just for a text or maybe a phone call to say hey babe im ok. But no thats considered naggin and stuff. But anyway thats neither here nor there... everyone around me keeps telling me to let him go and just do me but i have a lot of time invested in him and he claims that he wants to marry me and im the one.. but if i were the one then he wouldnt have gotten another female prego correct? yeah thats what i thought... sometimes love isnt enough now a days. But i have my girls to comfort me when the time comes when i gotta let him go... and i feel like that time is coming quickly idk i just know the deadline for decision is FEB 25....