AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i needed to get that our* when is it pass naive and just plain DUMB, you know how like you watch maury and you see the same guest appear on the show because their man is cheating on them and they gave him another chance the previous show, and how we always sit there like OMGOSH you are so dumb BITCH LEAVE him ALONE! he did it more than once and hes not gonna stop cause he sees that youre gonna BItch but in the end youre gonn..(hold up adara is calling me)okay im back lol where was i... yeah i just realized that you can never give someone some real advice about a situation unless you have gone through it yourself! ya know. but today started off good because i spoke to Johnathan and im glad at the outcome of his situation and we had our words exchanged good and bad! but i think it was also a venting session for both of us as well. and then it just went DOWNHILL about 20 minutes ago and it threw me off, i mean this morning speaking to him threw me off too but i handled it. you know the only way i get thrown off is if my feelings get all swept up and i get emotional and excited and happy and i start thinking about my wedding day with this kid and our nice ass house that were gonna have in (jersey) or (delaware) lol... But everytime i find out some shit like tonight ,his baby momma posted that theres wedding bells and shes gonna be sending invitations out soon.. my heart dropped! like ive dealt with finding out that hes talking to more than one female or that he talked to one of my friends or him cursing me out on an answering machine or him having a child with his ex who he loves and cares about bt WEDDING BELLS! its like damn i thought i had that in the bag...that was one thing i never had to compete with any other female no matter what our issues were i was the one he wanted to marry and he was the one i wanted to marry and to even think that hes gonna tie the knot with someone is CRAZY...but i mean i have to be realistic, they have a baby together, who is absolutely GORGEOUS, and they live together i mean they practically are... Ugh im telling you ive never loved so hard and this is the honest truth. and its painful but im hoping that we do end up together n the end and that i really do have his heart because he does have mine. And you kno what if thats what he wanted , to be with jenna and marry her and spend the rest of his life wit her then i would have to respect it, im not gonna like it but because i have so much love for this kid id respect it!IDK this is crazy i just wanna go a month without hearing BULLISH or even second guessing what are we doing and whats our purpose with eachother! I know through out all these damn blogs i sound extremely confused lol!but hey its life nothing is smooth... and theres a line in the song LIons Tigers and BEars where she says just cause i love you and you love me it doesnt mean that were meant to be... DAmn if i ever heard those words from him my world would come to a stand still for a second.! and i love this kid to freaking PIECES! yeah it probably sounds like im making the ONLY excuses for him but ive done my fair of BS but honestly dont think ive ever hurt him how hes hurt me. i dont want to become the girl that becomes numb to all emotions and feelings. Im still emotional and cry at the drop of a dime( i cried watching the movie TWILIGHT).. Love is not an impossible task though, i mean its plenty work but damn i know this kid im not trying to start out and try and know another dude because guys now are really relentless and WORSE! at least with johnathan i know all his shii. its crazy cuz when i first met him i would of never thought id be here writing a blog about me being MADLY IN LOVE with him lol. DAMN MAN! wow and wats crazy is that he said i love you first and i was real hesitant and damn look at me?We got into an argument tonight because i asked him about him being with jenna and of course he said no hes not and that he wants to marry andall this stuff but he was MAD! like i was semi scared on the phone...he sounded so different on the phone like a completely different person and he said that if i ever bring up some ish from another person that hes not gonna talk to me EVER! damn i wonder if he would really do that... cause as much shit ive talked about being done and just being his friend...well its apparent that aint happen..FUCK i wish i could talk to KOURTNEY man this SXCKS major!i was on a high and now im just thinking. i definitely think too much as ADARA says but its hard not to because there are so many what ifs and so many things that dont make sense to me ya know. i wonder if im being stubborn and if hes really playing me out something CRAZY!honestly if it came to the light i think id be numb and just be like DAMN GIRL YOU GOT GOT! ahh i just want normality in my relationships man. I mean he and i arent even dating...im so confused idk what it is theres no label on us we just are its like this at the end of the day no matter how much i think hes self centered and he doesnt care about anyone but himself and if i left him it would not phase him much i do wnna marry this dude! damn im just all FXCKED up in the Rasberry ICETea!im such a sucker for love . i accept him for who he is i just dont know man ...theres not enough times that i can say 'IDK' thing is that im ridiculously smart like extremely! but when it comes to this kid i cant let go! likeif RAy J came up to me and started acting crazy id be like PEACE! but its something about him. I feel like i gtta do extra just to keep him attentive i wonder if he even has interest or if im just something of a convenience for him. Like im not gonna lie he tells me things to reassure his feelings for me but i mean then something alwaysalways comes up and im back to QUESTIONING everything. I just think we would b a bomb ass couple and especially im still coming into my own and becoming more comfortable and confident everyday and hes already there. were from two different walks of lifes but then again were not because we share something that puts all of the differences aside to dust and thats LOVE...
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