Reality check...

...So tomm is the inaguaration for our new president! Barack Obama. and im really excited and glad that i got to see this event happen in my lifetime.. like im definately apart of history and all ya know. But yeah ever since my last blog ive been speaking to him and we had a major falling out on saturday night, and i think hes really done with 'us' and even though ive been saying that would be the right thing for me it sure as hell doesnt feel like it at all.. Like that night i was an emotional rollercoaster like i called his phone at least 70 times and i left 4 messages and im sure he thinks im crazy. But no thats not the case at all, im in love and was fighting for it. IDK what to do im kinda at a lost on where he stands in this situation. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and be happy, he does make me happy because right now im feeling it. i mean i know people say if its meant to be then it will be, but i think i kinda forced for this to come about. one thing that i have realized is not to let everyone in your business ya know because i have to learn how to have my own opinion and deal with things by myself because my mom isnt always going to be here nor are my friends, we all are going to go off and have our own lives if we havent now already. i made some mistakes in this relationship i had with him, i told him too much and i also gossiped about things i didnt like or agree with to my friends and whoever would listen lol. BIG MISTAKE!!! really because at the end of the day yeah i do have my own opinion but i also have an intake on others as well, but in all reality its just me and him in it no one else. I just feel like i messed up this time and i dont know if i can save face this time... like its really over or something, i love to hope for the best and prepare for the worse thats just how life is. its real. and i must say that i have definately learned something from this and ill def take it into the next relationship i have or if he and i get back together or if he decides to speak to me then ill know next time how to have a better INTIMATE relationship. I love this man so much. UGH i just needed to vent this out because im def not gonna be sitting here crying and being blah... ima do me just like hes probably out doing him, now that doesnt mean that ima go talk to a bunch of dudes and become a lil hot tamale.. but ima just go to school work and focus on me and just find happiness within myself and not look for anyone else to do that for me. Because at the end of the day its just me...But one thing about me is that im a persistant female and im not going to just let 5 in a half years almost six in a few months go down the drain over some nagging and bitching. I love him and he is the one that i want. not only that i miss my friend! and im not giving up on that i definately wanna be there for him during his time in prison and just be there to talk to him and pray with him about stuff, ya know we did meet at church lol.! i mean idk.. im pretty content at the moment im trying to stay busy and focused so i dont notice the seconds minutes nor hours that are passing me by as i impatiently wait to hear for him... but ugh its gonna surpass eventually it always does doesnt it? well this has def been a reality check and i pray that its not late...